Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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