Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
