he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
