I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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