Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
