I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
