I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
