Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
