Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
