so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
