I just threw up on my dentist
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
