new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
