i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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