I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
