i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
