cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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