You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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