someone threw a dead crab at me
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
