trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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