If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
