he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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