Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
