I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
