I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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