ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
