So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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