his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
