guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm always down for nudity.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
