I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
