All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
