I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
