i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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