What did we do last night that was yellow?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
