My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
