Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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