Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just want to make out with him forever
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
