I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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