I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Can you bring me the toilet please
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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