Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
