went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
