Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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