Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
