Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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