Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
