everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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