I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
