I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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