i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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