i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
