I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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