you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
